Difficult moments are part of every relationship. A conversation becomes heated. A child withdraws. A young person lashes out. A carer or practitioner may walk away wondering whether they could have responded differently.
In foster care, what happens after these moments can be just as important as what happened in the first place.
During our recent CARE Community of Practice, foster carers, practitioners and managers reflected on the importance of staying connected when relationships are tested. The discussion highlighted a simple but powerful idea: repairing a relationship after a difficult moment can help children and young people experience that relationships can withstand conflict, mistakes and strong emotions.
What does relationship repair mean?
Relationship repair does not mean pretending everything is okay. Nor does it mean removing boundaries or avoiding difficult conversations.
Instead, it means acknowledging what has happened, listening to each person’s experience, taking accountability when something has gone wrong, and finding a way back to connection.
One manager described it as:
“It’s around acknowledging what’s happened and how each person’s feeling.”
Another reflected:
“It’s around making sure that we’re taking that time to listen and understand.”
These things sound simple, but they can be difficult when everyone is feeling overwhelmed.
Why does repair matter in foster care?
Children and young people who enter out-of-home care may have experienced relationships ending abruptly or adults they relied on no longer being present. For some, difficult experiences may have contributed to uncertainty about whether adults can be trusted to stay.
This is why the moments after conflict matter.
When a foster carer or practitioner remains present, checks in, listens or comes back to a difficult conversation, they can show a child that one difficult moment does not have to mean the relationship is over.
One member of the practice team reflected on the significance of these moments:
“Those little connections that we might have during a placement breakdown… they still come back to you, and they know that that is a safe relationship they can depend on.”
Small moments of connection may not seem significant at the time. For a child or young person, however, they can become important experiences of safety and consistency.
Repair doesn’t require perfect responses
When emotions are high, children, carers, practitioners and families can all experience frustration, hurt or uncertainty.
One foster carer described these moments simply:
“Everybody is becoming dysregulated.”
In those situations, repair does not necessarily start with having the perfect words. Sometimes it starts with slowing down, recognising what has happened and making space to reconnect.
That could look like checking in after a difficult interaction, returning to a conversation once everyone is calmer, sitting alongside a child when things feel uncomfortable, or acknowledging that you could have handled something differently.
It can also mean apologising.
One young person’s experience, shared by a member of the practice team, highlighted how meaningful an apology from an adult can be. The young person said they could not remember the last time an adult or caseworker had taken accountability and said, “I’m sorry”.
Another young person’s response to an adult who regularly apologised was just as telling:
“You’ve apologised to me six times since I’ve been here.”
Children do not need the adults around them to be perfect. They need adults who are willing to take responsibility, repair relationships when needed and show that mistakes do not have to mean the end of connection.
Choosing connection after conflict
One of the strongest themes that surfaced from the Community of Practice was the importance of prioritising the relationship rather than focusing on who was right or wrong.
As one manager reflected:
“Trying to prioritise the connection you have with the children and the carers, rather than trying to focus on who’s right and who’s wrong.”
This does not mean that difficult behaviour, boundaries or important conversations should be avoided. It means that those things can happen while still protecting the relationship.
For children and young people in foster care, that experience can be powerful. It can help them learn that:
- conflict does not always mean rejection
- adults can acknowledge when they have made a mistake
- difficult emotions do not have to end a relationship
- relationships can be repaired after something has gone wrong
- trusted adults can remain present when things become difficult
As one member of our practice team reflected:
“How powerful is it for that young person that we put that work in to repair the relationship.”
Relationship repair happens in everyday moments
Repair isn’t a script or technique; it’s something that happens through the everyday choices we make after difficult moments have occurred.
It might be a foster carer returning to a conversation with a young person. It might be a practitioner acknowledging that something could have been handled differently. It might simply be sitting alongside someone and showing them that you are still there.
These moments may seem small, but they can help build a different experience of relationships: one where conflict does not automatically lead to rejection or loss. But for a child who has experienced the pain of relationships ending when life became difficult, these moments can change the story they begin to tell themselves about adults, trust and belonging.
A CARE practice reflection
As you reflect on your own practice, consider:
- What helps you stay connected when a relationship is tested?
- How do children and young people know that your care does not disappear after a difficult moment?
- What small acts of repair have you seen make a difference?
Sometimes, the moments that strengthen a relationship are not the easiest ones. They’re the moments that happen when we intentionally choose connection.
