When behaviour becomes challenging, our attention is naturally drawn to what we can see.
A child refusing to follow instructions.
A young person shouting and slamming doors.
A carer becoming frustrated.
A family member withdrawing from conversation.
A colleague appearing defensive or disengaged.
These behaviours can feel confronting, confusing or difficult to understand. In the moment, it is easy to focus on what is happening right in front of us.
But CARE reminds us that behaviour is often only part of the story.
Just like an iceberg, the behaviour we see above the surface is only a small part of what may be happening. Beneath the surface are feelings, needs, experiences, thoughts, memories and stressors that may be influencing the moment.
What We See Above the Surface
The visible part of the iceberg is behaviour.
What we may see:
- Anger
- Refusal
- Withdrawal
- Avoidance
- Defensiveness
- Aggression
- Risk-taking
- Disengagement
- Running away
- Arguing
These behaviours often attract our attention because they are visible and sometimes disruptive. They can also trigger strong emotional reactions in those around us.
When behaviour feels challenging, our instinct can be to focus on stopping, correcting or managing what we see.
While behaviour may need to be addressed, CARE encourages us to pause and look a little deeper before we respond.
What Might Be Sitting Beneath the Surface?
Underneath behaviour may be a range of emotions, experiences and unmet needs.
A child who appears angry may actually be feeling hurt.
A young person who refuses support may be feeling scared or ashamed.
Someone who appears disengaged may be overwhelmed or exhausted.
A person who is arguing may be seeking a sense of control in a situation where they feel powerless.
Beneath the surface, we may find:
- Fear
- Grief
- Shame
- Loneliness
- Uncertainty
- Disappointment
- Stress
- Overwhelm
- A need for connection
- A need for safety
- A need for predictability
- A need to feel heard or understood
These experiences are not always visible, but they often influence how behaviour is expressed.
Understanding this helps us shift from asking:
“What is wrong with this behaviour?”
to asking:
“What might this behaviour be communicating?”
Why Context Matters
CARE reminds us that behaviour makes sense in context.
The same behaviour can have very different meanings depending on the circumstances surrounding it.
Behaviour is influenced by many factors, and often there is more happening beneath the surface than we initially realise. Understanding some of the common influences can help us respond with greater curiosity and compassion.
Relationships
The quality of a person’s relationships can have a significant impact on behaviour. A child or young person who has experienced inconsistent, unsafe or disrupted relationships may find it difficult to trust others, ask for help or accept support. Behaviours such as withdrawal, testing boundaries, pushing people away or becoming overly dependent may reflect a person’s efforts to protect themselves or make sense of relationships based on their past experiences.
Previous Experiences
People carry their experiences with them. Past experiences of trauma, loss, rejection, bullying, family conflict or instability can influence how situations are interpreted and responded to. What may appear to be an overreaction to a seemingly small event may make sense when viewed through the lens of a person’s previous experiences.
Stress Levels
When stress increases, our ability to think clearly, solve problems and manage emotions can decrease. Behaviour may look very different when someone is overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated or emotionally exhausted. A child who is usually calm and cooperative may become irritable, reactive or withdrawn when their stress levels are high.
Developmental Needs
Children and young people do not all develop at the same pace. Trauma, adversity and disrupted experiences can affect emotional, social and cognitive development. Sometimes behaviour reflects a skill that is still developing rather than deliberate defiance. For example, a young person may struggle to manage strong emotions, communicate their needs or cope with disappointment because these skills are still emerging.
Environmental Factors
The environment can have a powerful influence on behaviour. Noise, crowds, unfamiliar settings, changes in routine, sensory overload, conflict with others or unrealistic expectations can all contribute to increased stress. Sometimes small adjustments to the environment can make a significant difference in helping a person feel calmer, safer and more able to cope.
Transitions and Change
Transitions can be challenging for many people, particularly those who have experienced uncertainty or instability. Moving between activities, changing schools, returning home after a difficult day, family contact visits, placement changes or unexpected disruptions to plans can all increase stress and emotional vulnerability. Behaviour during these times may be communicating discomfort, anxiety or a need for additional support.
A Person’s Sense of Safety
Feeling safe is about much more than physical safety. Emotional and relational safety are equally important. When people feel unsafe, misunderstood, judged or uncertain about what might happen next, their behaviour may become focused on protecting themselves. Conversely, when people experience safety, predictability and connection, they are often better able to regulate emotions, solve problems and engage positively with others.
When we consider these influences, behaviour begins to make more sense. Rather than seeing behaviour as something that exists in isolation, we can view it as part of a larger story. Looking beneath the surface helps us understand not only what is happening, but also why it might be happening, creating opportunities for more thoughtful, relational and effective responses.
Looking beneath behaviour helps us better understand the whole person rather than making assumptions based on a single moment.
A Different Way of Thinking About Behaviour
Imagine a young person returning home from school.
They walk through the door, throw down their bag, slam their bedroom door and refuse to speak to anyone.
The behaviour is easy to identify.
But what sits beneath it?
Perhaps they experienced conflict with friends.
Perhaps they felt embarrassed in class.
Perhaps they are exhausted from trying to manage a stressful day.
Perhaps they are worried about something they don’t yet have words for.
When we pause to consider what might be happening beneath the surface, our response often changes.
Rather than moving immediately to correction or consequence, we become more curious, more understanding and more intentional in how we respond.
Four Questions That Can Help
The Therapeutic Crisis Intervention (TCI) model offers four simple questions that support reflective responses when behaviour feels challenging:
- What am I feeling now?
- What does this person feel, need, expect or want?
- How is the environment affecting the situation?
- How best do I respond?
These questions help us slow down, consider the broader context and respond with greater intention.
They shift our focus from reacting to behaviour toward understanding what may be influencing the moment.
Looking Beneath Behaviour in Everyday Practice
Looking beneath behaviour does not mean ignoring expectations, boundaries or accountability.
Rather, it means recognising that understanding often needs to come before problem-solving.
When people feel safer, more regulated and more understood, they are better able to learn, reflect and make positive changes.
Sometimes the most powerful response is not having all the answers.
Sometimes it is pausing.
Listening.
Remaining curious.
Offering reassurance.
Creating safety.
Being present.
These small moments can have a significant impact on relationships and emotional wellbeing.
The Person Behind the Behaviour
Every day across Challenge, staff, carers and families encounter behaviour that can feel difficult to understand.
CARE encourages us to remember that behaviour is often only the visible part of a much bigger story.
When we slow down and look beneath the surface, we create opportunities for connection, understanding and growth.
By remaining curious, considering context and responding with care, we help create environments where people feel safe, supported and understood.
Because behaviour is only part of the story.
The person beneath it matters most.
Together in care, we can ensure every child has a great day, every day.
Reference:
Holden M.J et al. (2020) Therapeutic Crisis Intervention 7th Edition, Residential Childcare Project, Cornell University.
Holden, Martha J. (2023). CARE: Creating Conditions for Change (3rd Edition). Residential Child Care Project, Cornell University Family Life Development Centre, Ithaca, NY.
