Stress is something we all experience.
For children and young people who have experienced trauma, stress can feel stronger, happen more quickly, and be harder to manage. What might seem like a small moment to an adult can feel overwhelming to them.
When we look at behaviour through this lens, it helps us shift from asking
“What is going on here?” to “What might this child or young person be feeling or needing right now?”
Seeing Behaviour as Communication
Children and young people don’t always have the words to explain how they’re feeling.
What we see as behaviour is often a person communicating a need they don’t yet have the words for.
This might look like:
- Getting angry or escalating quickly
- Withdrawing or shutting down
- Refusing or avoiding
- Wanting control over situations
- Finding it hard to focus or engage
These pain-based behaviours can be challenging, but they are often a sign that something underneath doesn’t feel safe, predictable, or manageable.
What Happens When Stress Is High
When a child or young person is stressed, their brain and body go into a survival response.
In these moments:
- Thinking clearly is harder
- Listening and processing information is reduced
- Responding to instructions or expectations is more difficult
When stress is high, capacity is reduced. This means that trying to reason, correct, or enforce expectations in the middle of stress can sometimes make things escalate.
In these moments, connection needs to come before correction.
What helps most in these moments is supporting regulation first.
What Do We Mean by Regulation?
Regulation is the ability to manage emotions, reactions, and behaviour.
For many children and young people, this is still developing and for those who have experienced trauma, it can take longer and require more support.
Children don’t learn regulation on their own.
They learn it through relationships.
The Role of Adults: Co-Regulation
Co-regulation is how adults support children and young people through moments of stress. Co-regulation is not a strategy or technique, it is a relational process that happens through connection, presence and understanding.
It’s less about having the “right strategy” and more about how we show up.
This might look like:
- Staying calm, even when things feel heightened
- Using a steady, predictable tone
- Giving space when needed
- Reducing demands in the moment
- Letting the child know you are there
Staff reflected that sometimes co-regulation looks like sitting quietly with a child, offering presence without pressure, rather than trying to resolve the situation immediately. Over time, these moments help build the foundation for self-regulation.
Why Predictability Matters
Predictability helps children, young people and adults feel safer. When things are consistent, it reduces uncertainty and stress. This can be supported through clear routines and expectations, giving reminders before transitions or changes, responding in similar ways to similar situations, and following through calmly. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about being reliable.
Supporting Regulation in Everyday Moments
Often, it’s the small, consistent interactions that make the biggest difference. Progress is not always immediate or obvious. Often, it shows up in small ways — a quicker recovery after distress, a moment of connection, or a willingness to seek support.
Helpful approaches include:
- Staying calm and steady
Your response helps set the tone - Connection before expectation
People are more able to respond when they feel safe - Keeping communication simple
Too much information can increase overwhelm - Allowing time
Regulation doesn’t happen instantly - Being consistent
Predictable responses build trust over time
It Won’t Always Go to Plan
There will be times where things don’t go the way you hoped.
Supporting regulation, whether with children, carers, or colleagues can be challenging, especially when you’re managing competing demands. Supporting regulation is not about getting it right every time. It is about noticing, reflecting and staying connected.
What matters is not getting it perfect, but continuing to reflect, adjust, and stay connected.
Co-regulation does not sit with one role, it flows across the organisation, from leaders to teams, to carers, to children and young people. Each interaction contributes to a broader culture of safety and connection.
Continuing the Conversation
This month, we focused on emotional safety and predictability, building on our shared conversations about co-regulation through the Community of Practice. The intention was to continue these conversations across teams, in supervision, and in everyday interactions.
Practice in Action
To support this, you can use the CARE Practice Pause: Supporting Regulation in Everyday Interactions.
This reflection can be used across all interactions with children and young people, with carers, and within teams.
You might reflect on:
- What was happening for the person in that moment?
- What might have been underneath their response?
- How did your response support regulation?
- What might you try differently next time?
Small, consistent responses build safety over time.
Reference:
Holden M.J et al. (2020) Therapeutic Crisis Intervention 7th Edition, Residential Childcare Project, Cornell University
Holden, Martha J, 2023, CARE: Creating Conditions for Change Edition 3, Residential Child Care Project Cornell University Family Life Development Centre Ithaca NY Child Welfare League of America.
