Don’t Blame the Lettuce: Rules, Expectations, and the Ecosystem of Relationships in Foster Care

‘When you plant a lettuce and it doesn’t grow well, you don’t blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun.’ – Thich Nhat Hanh

We don’t usually think of children as lettuces but, it’s a surprisingly powerful comparison.

Imagine planting a seedling in your garden. You check on it each day. One morning, you see it’s drooping. It hasn’t grown much. It looks sad. Now imagine standing over it and saying, “What’s wrong with you? You should be doing better by now!”

That would be absurd, right?

Instead, you’d probably check the soil. Has it had enough water? Too much sun? Did the dog dig it up again? You’d ask, what’s happening around this plant that might be affecting how it grows?

And that’s the exact mindset behind being Ecologically Oriented, one of the core principles of the CARE: Creating Conditions for Change. It reminds us that children’s behaviour, and their ability to thrive, is always shaped by the systems, environments, and relationships they’re living in.

In foster care, this is a total game-changer. Because often, the conflict or frustration we experience with kids doesn’t come from who they are, it comes from a mismatch between our rules, our expectations, and the context they’re living in.

Let’s dig in (pun intended).

What does it mean to be ecologically oriented?

Being ecologically oriented means we don’t look at behaviour in a vacuum. Instead, we ask:

• What’s going on around this child?
• Who are they connected to or disconnected from?
• What pressures, routines, relationships, or systems are shaping their day-to-day life?
• And how might all of that be influencing their ability to cope, connect, and grow?

We stop blaming the lettuce. We start tending the soil its growing in.

The rules vs. expectations trap

Let’s talk about something that’s easy to mix up but really important to separate rules and expectations.

Both matters, but when they’re misunderstood or misused, they can quickly become sources of tension, confusion, or even relationship breakdown.

Rules: limited, clear, and safe

In the CARE framework, rules are not a long list of ‘do this’ and ‘don’t do that.’ They are limited, essential, and built for safety, both physical and emotional.

Rules provide a sense of predictability. They say to a child: ‘You’re safe here. I’ve got you. These boundaries won’t move without warning.’

Good rules in a foster home might include:

• everyone wears a seatbelt
• no one gets hit or hurt
• we respect privacy — bedrooms are knock-first zones
• an adult always knows where you are.

Notice how none of these rules are about obedience for obedience’s sake. They’re about helping kids feel secure.

Rules work best when they’re:

• few in number (not a full-page poster stuck on the fridge),
• clearly communicated, and
• consistently applied without harshness or shame.

Expectations: flexible, developmental, and competence-building

Expectations are where we help children develop skills, experience success, and build a sense of agency in their lives. Unlike rules, expectations are flexible and responsive to a child’s developmental stage.

Expectations aren’t about “following the rules.” They’re about learning how to live well, how to manage time, solve problems, respect others, and bounce back from mistakes.

According to CARE, strong expectations:

• build competence in managing daily life events
• are adjusted to fit where a child is developmentally, not just chronologically
• focus on encouragement over enforcement
• help avoid power struggles
• create opportunities for kids to experience success, even in small things.

Here’s an example:

Expectation mismatch:

‘Liam should be able to manage his homework without being reminded. He’s 13!’

Ecologically oriented expectation:

‘Liam’s missed a lot of school, and learning feels scary for him. I’ll sit with him while he gets started. We’ll build up his confidence bit by bit.’

Where it goes wrong: the hidden role of expectations in relationship strain

Rules are usually visible. We talk about them. We write them down. We explain them.

But expectations? Not always.

Sometimes, we hold really strong expectations that we don’t even realise are there, until they’re not met.

Here are some examples of unspoken or rigid expectations that can creep in:

• ‘They should be grateful to be here.’
• ‘I shouldn’t have to repeat myself so many times.’
• ‘At their age, they should know better.’
• ‘If they care, they’ll show it in this specific way.’
• ‘They should respect me like I respected my parents.’

The danger isn’t in having expectations. It’s when:

• we don’t communicate them clearly,
• they’re developmentally inappropriate,
• we hold onto them even when the context makes them unrealistic, or
• we feel personally hurt when they aren’t met.

This is where relationships start to fray, not because the child is “bad,” but because the ecosystem of understanding, communication, and empathy has broken down.

Don’t blame the lettuce: example

Let’s say Jordan, 10, comes into your care. You’ve worked hard to make your home welcoming and safe. You expect that with kindness and structure, Jordan will settle in and begin to behave respectfully.

But Jordan doesn’t say thank you. He ignores instructions. He breaks things, then shrugs. And inside, you’re thinking: ‘Why isn’t this working?’

But step back. Zoom out. Think ecologically:

• Jordan has had three placements in two years
• he’s learned not to get attached
• ‘Thank you’ may have never been taught or modelled in his home
• he may have been punished or humiliated when he made mistakes
• he may not feel safe enough yet to trust kindness.

So rather than thinking, ‘Jordan should be more grateful,’ we ask:
What’s going on around Jordan that’s affecting how he grows?

We fertilise the soil. We create opportunities for success. We adjust expectations to build skill, not just enforce adult comfort.

Applying ecological thinking at home

Here are some practical ways you can apply the Ecologically Oriented principle with rules and expectations in your home:

1. Keep rules few, clear, and fair

Don’t overload your house with rules. Focus on what truly matters for safety and wellbeing. Make sure rules are:

• easy to remember
• explained in child-friendly language
• enforced gently but consistently

‘We don’t yell at people in this house because it makes others feel unsafe. Let’s take a breath together.’

2. Be transparent with expectations

Don’t leave expectations unspoken. Say them out loud. Model them. Revisit them often.

‘I’m hoping we can work toward packing your own school bag this term, I’ll help you get the hang of it.’

3. Check: is this expectation realistic?

Before reacting to a child not meeting an expectation, ask:

• Is this something they’ve been taught?
• Do they have the developmental skills to manage this?
• Are they currently regulated enough to try?

4. Adjust expectations as needed

What works today might not work tomorrow. Children are dynamic. So are trauma responses. Be flexible. Expect to adapt.

‘Homework time didn’t go well today. Let’s try a shorter session tomorrow, maybe right after your snack.’

5. Celebrate effort, not just outcomes

Children build confidence through small wins. Praise effort. Reinforce progress.

‘I saw you really try to stay calm when you were upset. That’s huge growth.’

To help bring the ideas in within this section into everyday practice, we’ve created a Companion Activity Sheet with reflective prompts and practical tools you can use.

Final thought: let them grow, don’t just make them obey

Rules and expectations are tools. They’re not the goal. The goal is a relationship where children feel safe enough to try, to fail, to learn, and to grow.

And that means we, as carers, have to stay grounded in the child’s ecology, not just in what they’re doing, but what’s happening around them. Not just what we want from them, but what they need from us to become the person they’re capable of being.

So next time things feel tense, don’t jump straight to blame or disappointment.

Just pause. Look around. Check the ecosystem.

Because when a lettuce isn’t growing well, we don’t shout at the lettuce.

We tend the soil.

Together in care, we can ensure every child has a great day, every day.

For more practical guidance on setting clear, consistent, and developmentally appropriate boundaries, you can explore our Fact Sheet on Rules and Expectations designed to support carers and staff in creating safe and structured environments.