Helping Children Grow Their Superpowers: What Competency Centred Care Really Means

When we talk about caring for children and young people who’ve experienced trauma, hurt, or instability, we often focus on what’s gone wrong: their behaviours, their struggles at school, or the things they “can’t” do. It’s understandable; when you’re navigating complex needs and intense emotions, it’s easy to get stuck in the tough stuff.

But what if we flipped the script?

What if we asked: 

What can this child do?

What do they love?

What makes them feel proud, strong, and capable?

That’s exactly what the competency centred principle from the CARE framework encourages us to do.

Whether you’re a foster carer, a birth parent working hard to reconnect with your child, or part of a kinship network, understanding this principle can shift the way you see the children and young people in your life and help them see themselves in a much more positive light too.

Let’s explore what competency centred care is all about, and how you can bring it into your everyday interactions with the children and young people in your care.

So… What does “competency centred” actually mean?

In simple terms, it’s about helping children feel capable.

Children who’ve had chaotic or unsafe experiences often don’t feel like they’re good at anything. They may struggle in school, find it hard to make friends, or feel like they’re always in trouble. These repeated negative experiences send a clear (and unhelpful) message: of “you can’t.”

Competency-centred care says instead, “Yes, you can. And we’re going to help you.”

It’s about:

• spotting and celebrating strengths (even the tiny ones)
• teaching real-life skills in ways that feel safe and achievable
• creating opportunities for success – on purpose!
• building a young person’s sense of experience and mastery.

This principle is based on the belief that when a child and young person feels capable, they behave more positively, build stronger relationships, and develop greater self-confidence. For this to occur, children and young people need opportunities to experience success. These successful experiences build their sense of self-efficacy – their belief in their own ability to achieve. As they master tasks and overcome challenges, their perception of what they can accomplish grows stronger. This is where meaningful and lasting change begins.

Why competency matters (especially for kids in care)

Think about the last time you learned something new and nailed it. Maybe it was baking sourdough bread, figuring out your taxes, or fixing the washing machine. Felt good, didn’t it?

That sense of “I did it!” lights up a part of our brain that says: You’re capable. You’ve got this.

Now imagine you never get to feel that. Imagine every day feels like a struggle, and nobody expects you to succeed anyway.

That’s the reality for many children in care.

They’ve lived through things most adults can’t even imagine, and often, they haven’t had the same opportunities to develop the skills other children take for granted. Emotional regulation, communication, conflict resolution, organising homework – these are learned behaviours, and trauma can really interrupt that learning.

Competency centred care gives children their shot at catching up – not by drilling them or setting them up to fail, but by creating little moments of success, over and over again.

How to spot competency centred care in action

Let’s break this down into something real. Here’s what competency centred care looks like in everyday life:

1. We focus on what they can do– not just what they can’t

Instead of pointing out that Jordan didn’t clean his room (again), you might say, “I noticed you made your bed this morning – that’s a great start. Let’s build on that.”

2. We teach, not punish

If 10-year-old Sienna throws her pencil across the room when she’s frustrated with her homework, a competency centred approach says: “Looks like this is really tough for you. Want me to show you a trick I use when I get stuck?”

It’s not about letting things slide; it’s about helping children learn what to do instead.

3. We create safe chances to try and fail

No child learns to ride a bike without falling. We need to make it safe for children to try new things, even if they don’t get it right the first time. That means offering encouragement, not criticism.

4. We give them meaningful roles

Letting a child or young person take the lead on something like setting the table, feeding the pets, helping plan dinner, helps them feel valued and competent. These small responsibilities matter.

5. We celebrate progress, not perfection

If a young person who usually shuts down during conflict manages to say “I need a minute” instead of exploding, then that’s a win. Recognise it.

The magic of “just-right” challenges

A big part of being competency centred is about finding the sweet spot – challenges that are hard enough to stretch a young person, but not so hard they end up overwhelmed or ashamed.

We call these “just-right” challenges.

Think of it like a video game: if Level 1 is too easy, they’ll get bored. If Level 10 is too hard, they’ll give up. But Level 3? That’s just enough of a push to keep them growing.

As carers or parents, it’s our job to know the child well enough to guess where Level 3 is, and to keep adjusting the challenge as they grow.

Sometimes it’s something simple, like letting a child choose their own clothes and pack their school bag (even if it means they forget their hat once). Other times, it’s emotional, like supporting them to express anger in words instead of actions.

But what if they don’t want to try?

Yep, this happens. A lot.

Children who’ve experienced failure after failure often don’t want to risk trying. They’ll avoid tasks, sabotage opportunities, or say things like “this is stupid” or “I don’t care.”

Here’s what’s really going on: they’re protecting themselves from disappointment.

In these moments, competency centred care says: “I believe in you. I know this is hard. But I’ll be right here while you give it a go.”

You might need to break the task into smaller chunks. Offer choices. Make it a game. Bring in humour. Or simply say, “Let’s try together for five minutes and then take a break.”

The goal isn’t to force success, it’s to make success feel possible.

Competency and behaviour: the hidden connection

This might surprise you: a lot of “bad behaviour” in children is actually about a lack of skills, not a lack of willingness.

• the child who yells during group time may not know how to manage anxiety in social situations
• the young person who storms off may not have the words to express that they feel hurt
• the young person who refuses to do homework may feel so far behind that they’ve already given up.

When we shift our thinking from “They’re being difficult” to “They need help building a skill,” everything changes. That’s the heart of competency centred care.

Bringing it home: how you can use this in daily life

You don’t need a psychology degree to be competency centred. You just need curiosity, patience, and a willingness to meet your child where they’re at.

Here are a few simple ways to get started:

• Ask them what they’re proud of. “What’s something you learned this year?” “What’s something you’re good at?”
• Give positive feedback often. Not just for big achievements – praise effort, attitude, and trying again.
• Let them teach you something. Children love being the expert. Let them show you how to use a video game controller or fold a paper plane.
• Make time for skill-building. Cooking, budgeting, catching public transport, applying for jobs – these are all real-life skills that build confidence.
• Use mistakes as learning. Instead of “That was bad” try: “What do you think we could do differently next time?”

A final thought: it’s not about fixing—it’s about building

Competency-centred care isn’t about “fixing” broken children. It’s about recognising that every child has strengths, even if you don’t immediately recognise them. It’s about building up the parts of them that make them feel good, capable, and ready to face the world.

As carers and family members, you’re in the perfect position to do this. Every time you spot a small win, every time you offer encouragement, every time you say, “I know you can,” you’re helping that child or young person build their own internal voice, the one that says:

I’m not just surviving anymore. I can actually do this.

And that’s powerful stuff.

Together in care, we can ensure every child has a great day, every day.